Friday, April 24, 2015

I Put Your Picture Away

The email arrived two days ago.

I approached it with dread more than anything. I knew what was going to be in it, and I knew  it wasn't going to be pretty.

I clicked on the link and scrolled through the information. Yup, exactly what I thought it would be. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly.

I wanted to look away, but I couldn't. I kept going and I got sad and angry and mad at myself.

And then I gave myself a mental slap in the face.

I was looking at race photos from a half marathon. 13.1 miles of sun and heat and running and all I could see were my fat rolls, and how terrible my chest looked, and how fat I was.

13.1 miles of putting one foot in front of the other. An accumulation of months of training through freezing cold and snow and being sick and trying to work runs in around raising toddlers. 13.1 miles of running, of going further than I have in a long time.

All this and all I could think was, "Why did I wear that outfit?"

Shut up.

Shut up, Inner Meg. Shut the hell up.

Those pictures were and ARE so much more than what I was reducing them to. They were pictures of a woman smiling, despite the heat. A woman kicking ass at a distance that less than two years earlier (and on a whole lot cooler day) nearly crushed her.

Those are pictures of a PR!

Those are pictures of me. And that lumpy belly I hate? Who cares? That lumpy belly made it across the finish line. Those fat rolls were there the entire 13.1 miles, jiggling along to some awesome tunes. Those fat rolls were dancing!

I ignored my inner negative demons and purchased a photo. It was worth the fifteen bucks for the download to thumb my nose at my own body image.

And here it is:
Capstone Photography
Look at you go, Running Warrior Mama! Look at you go!

13 comments:

  1. Great post, Meg!!! I had a very similar conversation with myself about my wedding pictures. I was a ridiculously happy bride and that body got me to a wonderful wedding day. I look back on them and choose to remember we fell in love for us, not where our bodies were at a particular point in time. I am totally getting a running skirt when I start running :)

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    1. That is a great mindset, Anna! And running skirts are AWESOME!

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  2. "Those fat rolls were dancing!" may be one of my favorite things that anyone has ever said and my new mantra. I think it's really easy to fall into the trap of criticizing ourselves instead of remembering all of the work and effort that went into a race. Plus, if you look gorgeous in a race picture, you're not running hard enough! That's a wonderful picture of you though!

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  3. I swear I have that same inner monologue with every picture. You do look bad ass in that pic though! You earned every bit of that PR and that smile that you have on your face!

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  4. I LOVE THIS PICTURE!!! I have so many race pictures in my life, and none of them is as fantastic as this one. It doesn't matter how you look, it's how you feel and I KNOW you felt accomplished with this one. Congratulations!! PS: I'm glad you bought it! :)

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  5. Crazy Meg, you look just beautiful! Was sorry to just now be catching up with this, congrats on your HM!!!!

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  6. You are beautiful, and I seriously hope to accomplish all the running-things you've accomplished at some point in my life. You inspire me.

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  7. You were running 13.1 miles. You were physically prepared for it. Who cares what you looked like. You're probably healthier than a lot of people that weren't on the course.

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  8. I'm just catching up on your blog, so I'm not sure if you'll see this, but I think you look awesome! You have killer legs.

    I'm a twin mom too, and, well, it is what it is.

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